


Worth It

by PinkRangerV



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Autism, Autistic Natasha, Gen, Missing Scene, Monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 08:27:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2806055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkRangerV/pseuds/PinkRangerV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha considers whether the Avengers are worth sticking around for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon Natasha as autistic, so this is definitely a thing I wanted to write. I based her autism off my own, and added in what canon says about her interpersonal skills--my theory is that the Red Room would have LOVED getting their hands on an autist, because they're stupid enough to think autistic people are machines. (And don't be too freaked out by her calling other people 'human' as if she isn't one. She identifies as non-human in everything but biology. That's a common autistic thing; it's not a judgement on humankind, just noticing that, to put it bluntly, *Thor* is more similar psychologically to a human than an autistic person in some respects.)

_This is not something I was trained to deal with._

This is the third major time I've thought that in the past five years. The first was Tony Stark. I can read humans, but not intuitively; I knew that would come bite me in the ass at some point, and that report was factually incorrect. I could not read him, because he was something I was not trained to read. The next time was Dr. Banner and Hulk. I can understand Banner—victimized previously, afraid of further victimization, responds well to manipulation\compassion depending on handlers' preferences and situation—but I cannot understand Hulk, and yet I had to manage him. And then Steve asked me to show him  _me_ . I  _want_ to—the  _want_ is strong and sweet and hungry—but I do not understand how or the interaction rules or even have a basic set of parameters for it.

Humans say I am supposed to feel this more often. People with autism are often confused and childlike, according to them. They are wrong. More often than not, my way of thinking works perfectly for me. After all, I have only been in these unpleasant situations three times in the past five years, and all of them are due to the Avengers. I feel this is entirely acceptable, even exceeding the expectations I am supposed to have of myself and my prospects given my psychological state.

Which leads to my question: Are the Avengers worth these moments?

I consider carefully. My emotions say yes; I  _enjoy_ the presence of these people, which is rare. Humans are usually a lot of work. It is like a trail guide who hikes a mountain every day; he is not at rest when he is working, even if he is used to the exertion. But even if there is work, it is less with them, because they are kind and entertaining people. It helps that they are so archetypical. My preferences say yes, I enjoy work that is driven by  _survival of all_ , what others call  _the ultimate good_ , instead of  _gray areas_ , the  _survival of one over another_ . But they also say no—I do not like trying to do something I am untrained to do. It is always better to find someone who  _is_ trained.

...Perhaps I...could train for this.

I consider that idea. Extra training. It would be difficult, since I have not truly learned a new skill since leaving the Red Room, and there are memories waiting to trip me up. It is not insurmountable, but it would be uncomfortable. And I would need a teacher...

I glance over at Steve, who's arguing comically with Sam Wilson.

Steve could teach me, if I asked. He would not ask payment. He places me in the schema of  _friend_ and therefore will willingly do anything reasonable I ask. It is a mutual agreement; he is my  _friend_ too, although for me I cannot be fully honest with anyone but myself. I was trained not to be.

Then the question is: Are the Avengers worth training for?

...Yes.

I smile and settle down within myself, focusing outward to the two men. This is resolved, then. I will learn from Steve.

The Avengers are worth staying for.

 


End file.
